The Ache of Loneliness

My roommate is getting married in less than a month. One of my other friends got engaged this weekend and several more will be soon. I am so overjoyed for all my friends in this season and I have indeed found contentment and joy in singleness, but as I listened to a discussion of wedding planning, of dresses and cakes and most importantly, why they were so excited to marry their loves,  I felt tears smart at the backs of my eyes.  I politely stepped away and blinked back those tears. I am tired of crying over this. I am tired of feeling the ache of the absent. 

But despite the contentment, that ache still occasionally makes an appearance. It doesn’t come in the big moments like you’d expect. I have plenty of loved ones who were there when I started my fantastic new job, and a table full of friends and family at birthdays and holidays. No, the ache of loneliness comes most unexpectedly in the small moments.  When I see a couple sitting quietly at a table. Not even talking, just studying their separate books and being content to just be together. When my friend Ben talks, not about his wedding day, but about how his heart skips a beat when he holds his new fiancé’s hand. When I accomplish a small but long fought victory on the daily grind and feel like I don’t really have anyone to share it with.  These are the moments when the ache comes back. And usually it is a light and momentary thing, gone as quickly as it has come. But occasionally, the ache lingers lazily for a while in my chest.  And it can be hard. Not overwhelming, but hard. And that’s why I wanted to talk about it here. 

I want to be transparent with you. I don’t want to pretend to be happy all the time and ignore the daily struggles. That would serve neither of us well. The truth is, sometimes singleness is hard. And that’s ok.  If you are feeling that ache right now, it’s alright. It is not a sinful thing to feel lonely, just don’t dwell there in despair.  As much as it depends on you, let that loneliness go. Don’t deny the ache. Feel it, let it smart the back of your eyes, and even shed a tear if you need to.  Then, breathe out. Remember you are surrounded by people who do love you. Let the ache go on it’s merry way. 

But what if it doesn't go away? What if you try to let it go, but it clings to your ribcage of it’s own accord?  Then, my dear sisters, it is how we respond that matters. That night when I felt the Ache, I did two things. I went to a dear friend for encouragement and uplifting,  and I also went to the Lord.  Please, friends, don’t neglect this step. I talked to the Lord on my way home from work and as I drifted off to sleep. I told Him.  “Lord, it’s hard today. I’m lonely, and I know you’re here, but my hand still has no other to hold and today, that is a painful fact.”  I asked him to remind me of his sufficiency, and to fill me with satisfaction in Him, because the ache had made me feel like He is not enough when he is.  

I fell asleep with the ache still crouched on my chest and I awoke to find that it had not left. But let me tell you, when you are honest with yourself and honest with God, he is faithful to honor that.

 As I write to you all, I am encouraged again in the Lord’s sufficiency and his Grace. I have desires that have yet to be fulfilled, and sometimes that’s not an easy fact, but God is so, so sweet to me. I just have to keep my eyes open to see how. He has given me beloved friends to share life with. He has bestowed me with a loving family that supports me in everything. Most of all, he has blessed me with His presence.  Sometimes it feels like He’s not there, but thankfully, our faith is not based on feelings. He is always there. So when I’m lonely and crying out to God that I just want someone to sit with me, someone to talk to, His answer is and always will be “Here I am.” Because He is with us that way even after we find spouses. The fact that I have  someone to call out to is its own comfort. Someone who answers back and has given us His Living Word so we never have to be without response. Reach out to Him. I promise He is already reaching back. 

One day, the Ache will be destroyed once and for all. But until then, we have the promise of a present Spirit and of days to come. Until then, let's walk forward together.